I was walking down the street the other day when I saw my mate Paddy.

I walked up to him and mentioned that I had the most bizarre dream the night before last. Paddy listened intently as I told him that the dream consisted of one thing and one thing only. So I told him that all I had dreamt about was a huge glowing number "5." It was made of gold and sparkled with diamonds.

Paddy's curiosity had been raised. I went on to say that the first thing that I did in the morning was to grab the race form and look up the fifth race.

Paddy raised an eyebrow. So I told him that the #5 horse in the fifth race was named "The Fifth Element." Paddy started grinning. Then I told Paddy point-by-point what I did that day.

- I ate five bowls of cereal for breakfast and drank five cups of coffee

- I went for a five mile jog to clear my head

- I took a five minute shower

- I put on the fifth dress I found in my wardrobe

- I sat in my car for five minutes before starting it up

- I drove to the racetrack and parked in the fifth bay in the fifth row

- I entered through the fifth admissions gate

- I bought five programs

- I went to the fifth betting window and bet $555 on the fifth horse in the fifth race

- I went and sat in the fifth row of the main stand making sure there were five people sitting on either side of me.

I settled in and waited for the race to start.

"Well," said Paddy. "Did the horse win?"

I frowned at Paddy and said, "Stupid horse came in fifth."

Father O'Shea, the parish priest in the village, was giving a sermon about charity.

He said, "The trouble with the world today is that some people have too much and others have too little.

We must give of ourselves and our worldly goods to help the less fortunate."

He said to Harrigan, "If you had ten thousand pounds, wouldn't you give half of it to the poor?"

He said, "I would that, Father."

The priest said, "If you had two greyhounds, wouldn't you give one of them to your neighbour next door?"

Harrigan said, "No."

The priest said, "And why not?"


He said, "I have two greyhounds."

__________________
Ta me go maith

This one’s an oldie (no. 11 Paddy!), apologies to those that have heard it before.


Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. The first friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed."

The second friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. The other day I found a wrench under our bed."

Paddy says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse."

Both of his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

"No, I'm serious” says Paddy, “The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed"! :lol:

One day in heaven, Saint Peter, Saint Paul and Saint John were standing around near the horse paddocks, watching the horses frolic.


"I am certainly bored", stated John. "Me too," Paul chimed in. Peter stood and watched the horses. "I know!" Peter began. "Why don’t we have one of those jump challenges?"


Paul and John thought that the idea was great except for one small detail that Paul pointed out - "Who are we to compete against, Peter?" Paul asked.

The trio pondered a moment when Peter realized the answer.


"We will call up Satan and invite him to put forward a team. I mean, we have all of the finest jumpers here in heaven, all of the World and National Champions are here. His stable is ridden with the spoiled, difficult and mean horses. We are certain to win!"


And so the trio calls up Satan on the other realm communication lines and invited him to enter a team in their jumping competition.


Satan laughed and said he was sure to come out a winner.


Peter, Paul and John did not understand.

"What do you mean, Satan?" Peter asked. "We have all of the National and World Champion horses in our stable in heaven, how could you possibly come out a winner?"


Satan paused a moment and then laughed.


"Have you forgotten so soon, gentlemen? I have all the bookies!"

__________________
Ta me go maith

Paddy & Betty Boop are heading off to the races on Saturday morning.

Says Paddy - "I hope I can come out even today, I need the money"!
(Yeah, I know it's old, but so am I.)

And one to ponder - A full field of thirteen are heading around to the starting stalls at Flemington. What is the total number of times the number 1 appears on the saddle cloths?

bomber

I'll bite....it's either 1 or 6.
1 because there is only one number 1, or 6, because 1 is in 1,10,11,12 & 13.

:smile:

How about both sides of the saddle cloth????

As we are in the mind searching mood, can any of you out there make up a sentence using the word ' AND' 5 times consecutively and be grammatically correct ??

Enjay.

You're right Enjay - the numbers appear on both sides of the horse, so the answer is twelve.

You've got me sucked in with your AND question. I know a bloke with a really bad stutter, but I guess that doesn't count.

Bomber

It was a great day for Dublin. The West Indies cricket team had agreed to play an exhibition match against a select XI made up of sportsmen from all over Ireland.

The setting was Lansdown Road, the weather was beautiful, a packed crowd breathlessly waited for the first ball to be bowled.

And then the news came like a bombshell. O'Hanlan, the great batsman, had been involved in a car crash en route to the ground and had broken his leg.

What to do? Who to replace him? Where could they turn? Suddenly - inspiration! Dillon the tinker, the greatest all-round sportsman in Irish history. Dillon would play. Quickly they rang him and just as quickly he declined.

'My legs have gone,' said he. 'I'd be no use to yez. But I tell you what. I've a horse that could do the job.'

'A horse!' exclaimed the captain. 'A horse! The man's gone mad!'

'Nevertheless,' said Casey the wicketkeeper, 'we are desperate.'

In a trice Dillon arrived with the ugliest old grey horse you've ever seen.

'Can he field?' asked the captain.
'Field?' exclaimed Dillon. 'He's the greatest slip fielder in the world.'

The horse was put at first slip and he caught out six players off the first six balls bowled. Leaping here, leaping there.

'Can he bowl?' asked the skipper eagerly.
'Bowl?' smiled Dillon. 'He's the greatest fast bowler you ever seen. Put the ball in his hoof.'

Whack, whack, whack, whack. Down went the stumps, four times off the horse's first four balls. West Indies all out for nought.

A miracle - nothing less.
'Can the horse bat?' asked the captain expectantly.
'Bat? Bat?' beamed Dillon. 'He bats like the second coming of Don Bradman.'

So the horse was padded and gloved, a cap placed between his ears and held down with tape and out it strode to the wicket.

Down came the first ball. Crrrack! The ball left the bat like a bullet.

'Run!' shouted the skipper. 'Run! Run!'


'Don't be stupid,' said Dillon. 'If he could run he wouldn’t be here playing cricket, I’d have him at the races!'