A man is having breakfast when his wife suddenly hits him across the ear with a newspaper.
“What on earth was that for?” he asked.
“Well, I’ve just been emptying out the pockets of your shirt and I’ve found a piece of paper with a girl’s name on it: Mary-Ellen”
“oh no,” he says, you have got it wrong. Mary-Ellen is the name of the racehorse.
I put the bet on it and it won.
Oh, well I guess that’s OK then, his wife says.
About four weeks pass and then out of the blue one morning he gets another clip over the ear with a newspaper.
What was that for this time, he asked.
Your horse just phoned, his wife replied.

ha ha, nice one.

my misses knows i win every race i bet on, thats why she doesnt hit me

Cheers DB

Cat Heaven:
A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking." The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard timber floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on." God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.
A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat. The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again."
God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.
About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?"
The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!"